Essay Feedback


Essay Feedback



WWW: Wow Rayelle - I think this is the best piece of writing that I have read from you. It is focused throughout on the essay title, deals with all the different perspectives and is definitely moving towards an A* in terms of your confident, assured style, use of embedded, relevant quotes and the depth of your paragraphs. You have really listened to my advice about forming a Thesis statement in your introduction paragraph and each topic sentence is clear and defined in terms of your argument. The inclusion of You have also included paywalls, Clay Shirky and much of what we have covered in the last 14 weeks in terms of examples. Good application of pluralism to consider the decline of the newspaper industry.
You have written a very strong essay with superb use of quotes and you've sourced your statistics well.

EBI: You are not lacking in quotes and theories but you could include: News values, David Simon's ideas on paywalls and Alain de Botton, more about the new sites focusing on digital news such as Google which has a monopoly through social media (the new 'bite size' way of consuming the news. You could also use a few more statistics - there are many out there that exemplify the changes in consumption and production due to new and digital media.

I think the weakest paragraph is actually your introduction: your first line is a bit weak and simplistic in terms of introducing both sides too generally. Construct it more as an overview of what you are going to be arguing - deal with each part of the sentence in the question. Embed some quotes Gatekeeping? The unregulated nature of the internet?


 LR- Re-write your opening paragraph making sure you clearly answer the question and lay out both sides of the argument using some key quotes or stats. Also make sure that you add news values and some more explicit explanation of Marxism in the 'alternative' paragraph. Use some more of the quotes from our quote sheets. 

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